CRACKED NOT BROKEN | A Documentary Film by Paul Perrier

Oct-20-2008 - The Last Blog...

Paul has asked me to do ONE LAST BLOG, sort of a closure piece, so here it is.

You know what’s funny, I sit here at my computer and I am at a loss for words….when I was high I could ramble off a blog in 3.2 seconds, I guess cocaine does that!

It’s been almost a week since I wrote that first sentence, I really am at a loss for words……I guess I’ll start off by saying that on October 6th of this year I celebrated a year of being clean and sober…Yeah!
It may have taken 15 years, but that’s ok. It was 15 years ago that I first realized that I had a problem with drugs, 15 years since I went to my first treatment centre, and 14 years of living in hell before I was really willing to surrender 100%.

That’s just the way it was for me……

I see now that all those other attempts of recovery were actually only to stop the pain and calm the consequences of my using but I was not ready or willing to stop - despite all that I had lost - that’s the insanity of addiction.

During the last few months of my using the fear and remorse were unbearable.
It was then that I made a “deal” with God. I thought that if God wanted me to get better then He would open up the path for me to do so.

I called Empathy House in Ottawa and was accepted.

I put down the drugs on October 5th 2007 ( therefore the 6th is my clean date) and on October 8th, boarded a bus with a bag of dirty clothes and headed to Ottawa.
I was ready to take direction.
I was willing to go to ANY lengths for my sobriety.

I spent the next 8 and a half months doing whatever the counselors told me to do and kept praying for the willingness to do it.
It was all about action for me, it still is.

I graduated in June of this year and now live in supportive residence. I am going back to school in January to become a social worker.

I have never been happier.

I see my beautiful daughter once a month on trips back to Toronto and feel so blessed that my parents have kept her safe while I was sick. I have a wonderful family and am so grateful.
I continue to learn every day about my disease and all that it entails. ( Believe me, putting down the drugs is just a beginning)

As for this film and blogging ……I am done.
I find that anything that places too much attention on ME especially in the public eye is not healthy for my recovery….
It’s that simple.

Lisa

Jun-01-2007 - Walking out the door

Funny, I just came across this blog that I never posted and I can say that things have improved on the “ inside” for sure….Can’t really find the words to describe what I feel
these days other than “brand new”…
Clearly I have bad moments, bad days for sure but the “brand new moments are adding up.

For example, I went to Paul and Nicol's the other night to celebrate Ni’s 40th and I was fearful about socializing in a situation with people I’ve known for 20 years but haven’t seen for a long time, I got all self consumed ( uh oh) fearing that people would be whispering about me in the corner or something,
Oh please…..yet at the time I was so hesitant to go…..finally I just walked out the door and went over.
Guess what….it was all in my head.
It was great to see everyone.
As soon as I walked in the door I stood there looking around and Dave A came right through the crowd and directly over to me with a warm welcome, thanks Dave…it really surprised me and certainty started me out on the right vibe….

I spent most of the time chillin on the deck with the girls and was so please to know that I was not the only neurotic there…..other people also fear stuff that I do, how refreshing, not that someone else feels nuts, but that I’m not so unique.
Thanks Ca. You rock.

So ‘brand new” things like …..going out to a party….are now not so scary.

Other recent not so scary brand new experiences include applying for a job.

Writing cheques ( with my name on it) for rent that I know won’t bounce.

Meeting a new friend ( female,) who actually wants to chill and paint on canvass with me, that’s all
nothing else…..strange, I am used to people having motives….
what do they REALLY want etc…..
Guess what she enjoys my company…we laugh.
Cool.

And the most significant change that I feel is my connection within…with God, with this energy that flows as soon as I take the action necessary to remove what blocks it...

Like walking out the door.

May-31-2007 - What it is...

Not too sure why I am blogging, I had made a commitment to stop.
Oh well.

It is what it is.

Things are not that great…..at least on the inside.
I finally have what I thought would make it all better….what would if not fill that void in my soul, at the very least give me the gusto to go and find it.

Funny how things happen. In some respects I am more unhappy and more afraid than I’ve ever been.

In April I received my portion of my fathers estate. My brothers both received considerably more as my share was split 75% in trust for my daughter, 25% to me. So, even though I could get a bit resentful at this I choose not to and in retrospect I am almost glad.

Seriously, the amount I got stressed me out enough.

I am proud of myself somewhat though, I locked down about 70% of my share into accounts that I can’t access that easily, created one account that will pay my rent for the year and paid off my debts.
Having money really changes things though……all of a sudden I am “ Miss Binney” at the bank and treated very nicely. Money really does make people treat you differently.
Yet, I am so stressed that I’m going to do the wrong thing and blow it all……I’ve bought some things like a TV and DVD, got my furniture moved from storage ( stuff from my Dad) and have a great two bedroom apt, with hardwood floors and huge windows. I have real furniture ( Dads) and not one milk crate in site ( I’m a big kid now) . Best of all I am out of the core of downtown. This is one of the weirdest things, even though I grew up in this area I had forgotten how the other half lives.

For example, when I noticed that Loblaws charged me for items that I never received I went back the next day and they credited me right away….no questions asked, no hesitation, they just assumed that I was telling the truth!!!! Downtown, forget it., never would have happened..

Feb-23-2007 - 3 Years

First and foremost.

I hope that this film carries whatever message it is meant to, to whomever it is meant to, it whatever forum it does. I have no idea what that “message” even is? How self consumed I have been in trying to figure it all out…..what is MY stance, MY part….blah blah,
Bottom line….. I may have finally been graced with a chunk of truth about my “role” with this documentary…
Nothing really since that day in the hotel room…..that’s it.
I no doubt believe with all my heart that Paul coming to the hotel that day, has changed my life in so many ways……..
However, my “role” with where it goes, who “hears” what….is really not up to me, nor can I even begin to carry any weight or hopes that I have anything more to do with this than that day.
Without going on and on with the details….I will say that especially in the last few weeks I have become increasingly more aware that I am only harming any potential recovery for myself by adding more self consumption type drama in my head….and to do this without any privacy…. (Blogging, appearing at screenings, Oprah Winfrey for fucks sake!!)
Suiting up and showing up to represent something that I’m not even sure of what it is….of who I am….
How dark it has been too these past few weeks…using a lot…reverting back to old behaviour…..stuck, scared….

So, today, this morning, I was given some “light” - a thought to actually stop this madness, get on the bus as Andrew used to say.
As soon as I made that decision….the light flowed….the doors opened…..I found a moment of peace. Then one after another, more realizations occurred to me, that also lightened my head.
The most striking….and the only one I will share is that and believe this or not…..it is EXACTLY 3 years to the day….that Paul came to the hotel and shot the film. What???
To me, if no one else, the fact that I was given such a profound realization today combined with a series of other things that are paving a new road for me that took place all in a row….( ok, I’ll share one of them…..I make a call to a sober living place that I have lived in twice before over the years…both times waiting months to get into, and both times relapsing within a few days of arriving…..I almost hang up when Patricia answers the phone fearing that they must have had enough of me already…..I don’t – she remembers me - and is warm and friendly????? There happens to be a potential spot as early as Tuesday????? )
Stuff like this…coincidence? Luck? Who know? Who cares?
I choose to see this as much more……
Whatever it takes.

Lisa.

Jan-31-2007 - ONE YEAR

January 31, 2007

Ok. One year to the day.
It was Jan 31, 2006 that I first blogged on this site. I hated the idea of it and it took a lot of convincing from Paul to get me to continue to “document” my thoughts, and try and be as honest and candid as I was that day in the hotel room.
Sometimes I like the process of putting my moments of clarity and/or delusions of grandeur down on paper so to speak, it somehow solidifies things for me and helps me to see both the “holy shit who was I kidding?” and the positive changes that have occurred.

Bottom line, the relationship between Mike and I isn’t going to work out and we both see this, so, it’s finally over. A few times prior to this we “said” it was over, we’d fight, he’d leave for a few days, we’d play phone tag, feeding our toxic emotions, and “try” again.
Here is an example…
The pattern usually was, he’d leave, not call…. eventually, I’d call him at his moms. This time I didn’t call, in other words, didn’t start the “dance”. He then text msgs me I answer,.. bad move.
We play the old txt msg craziness, it ends with the ole “Never talk to me AGAIN” bullshit…then again, a day or so passes
I don’t call…again, change…this is good.
THEN, and here we go, I see MY part of the toxic exchange….I say to myself….Poor Mike, maybe he is wondering or worrying about me, I SHOULD (???) at least leave him a voice mail letting him know I’m alright….In other words….start the drama again!!!
I do, and leave him a voice msg on his cell.
OH MY GOD…I potentially set it up again…
I’m so fucked.
I say this with a certain amount of self-accepting humour.
No doubt we did try, to the best of our ability, which is clearly not that “able”.

For soooooo long I wanted a relationship, believing that if I had someone else beside me on this journey it would be idyllic…uh yeah.
So, I’m grateful for the experience, on two levels. One, to feel all those feelings I had forgot about, holding hands…the dreaming of a life together, etc…I missed that so much. (Yes I was in the company of men constantly when I was escorting but was a surface player so to speak…separating my self, therefore without intimacy, feeling, etc).
And, more importantly I am grateful for the realizations and I think, acceptance that I need to be single. Besides….doing laundry is a big enough of a commitment for me right now.

Time to shut this brain off and watch TV or something…

Jan-25-2007 - The Truth sucks (sometimes)

Without sounding like a broken record or perhaps insincere I am apologizing to the students and faculty of Appleby College and of course to you Paul.
Last night was the screening at Appleby for high school students. I didn’t show up. I never intended to NOT go; in fact I was looking forward to it….
Then I took a toke of crack, and, still intended to go…..then, another toke and the chaos began and getting from point A to point B became overwhelming…..you won’t understand unless you’re an addict or alcoholic so no point in really trying express it.
I will say however that this morning when I woke up besides feeling all the familiar feelings of remorse failure shame…. wanting to hide…. I remembered what Fran and the people in Santa Monica said to me over and over…
I HAVE NO CHOICE.
???????????????????
Hard to swallow.
Confusing. Big time.
Those people I met in California and the few I have met in Recovery in Toronto, Betty, Geoff, Paul…. the REAL addicts who HAVE recovered, who are 10, 15, 25 years clean, all say to me that really I have to wrap my mind around or rather accept that truly, I am incapable of CHOOSING to get high or not to get high…that I have lost that power.
This is the most important yet baffling cornerstone in accepting my addiction and then hopefully using the tools of recovery to find a power to keep it at bay.
I see this, as I have before, that like yesterday, I never CHOSE to disrespect Paul, although I did and I have to accept that too.
Strong language to those who don’t understand…I’m all too familiar with the “ what the hell is wrong with you Lisa”
Like when Nicol and I did the taped interview, which probably will never air, and she challenged me on the notion that in essence I CHOSE to leave my child to smoke crack… Not true, the addicted brain can’t see that. .again, hard to grasp, and it’s not my job to get you all to understand…but the truth is I have lost the power of choice.
AND most importantly, this is NOT my EXCUSE per se….. I don’t then say, “oh well, I have no power, so don’t expect me to be anything but a failure” But, it is the most important ingredient in accepting this madness.
However, the good news is (and I MUST always try to find something bright to hold on to) I see this and still remain on the road to recovery…however slow and cumbersome it may be.

Jan-09-2007 - SWIM !

There are times when I wish that Paul could screen "Cracked Not Broken" and have the “Hollywood” type ‘ending’…you know the blurb on the screen saying that now Lisa is this many months, years, whatever sober and has a house and career…blah blah blah…isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?
I sometimes feel ashamed and embarrassed that I’m not where I THINK I should ‘be’ or rather where I think YOU ALL think I should be….and then again I also must remind myself that even though my life is not where I would like it to be….I have made many choices that are healthy and continue to look in the right direction.

I am also becoming aware how life actually takes work, patience, planning ect….things that I guess I took for granted?? I really never worked very hard for much in my life before this. Most things came fairly easy for me, that or I settled for what I had.
Now I am starting to see that if I really do want all the things that others have…and I’m not talking about material things per se, but simple things like a clean kitchen or a harmonious relationship, then guess what….I have to work at it.
Hmmm. What a concept.

I have always admired and held on to the part of myself that BELIEVES these things are possible in my life AND that I deserve them. I think that this in part saved me from becoming lost and without hope. (I saw this happen to a lot of people on the street. Sad.)
However, like I said a minute ago…..having that spark, that belief in goodness is not enough. Even combine it with all the support I have been blessed with, still, the reality is is that I have to actually put one foot in front of the other, pray like a bastard, and not expect it ALL right away. In other words…..work at it like the rest of the world does. Even though I’m an addict and if this had anything to do with why I find this shit so difficult, who cares….bottom line, I see land so it’s... sink or swim.

Dec-25-2006 - X-MAS BLOG

It’s been almost a year since I first started blogging for this site and since Cracked Not Broken really took hold as more than just some footage Paul shot of me in Hotel rooms.

When I look over the past year, reading some of my blogs, it’s exhausting. Clearly not as tiring as living as a full time addict, hustling, prostituting, smashing dope…..but holy shit I’ve (Paul, Tom and Nicol too ) had a crazy year. From escaping death in hotel rooms, appearing on OPRAH ( this still boggles my mind), living in a shelter, three treatment centres, and finally landing in my very own apartment, typing on my very own computer. I may be sitting on a crock pot as a stool ( our donated furniture is being delivered on the 20th of Jan, thanks to the Furniture Bank) but it’s MY crock pot, in my kitchen that we paid for ourselves….feels pretty good.

Christmas was ok. Made it home for the first time in five years and despite the fact that my mother had no sterling silverware to set her otherwise impeccable table with ( had pawned in earlier this year, am paying for this both financially and with shame) it was still wonderful to be a part of the family again….sort of.

Of course I feel different.
I AM.

Still I belong.

And that was the best Christmas present ever.

Dec-04-2006 - Long Time...

Oh well it’s been a while since my last “blog” nonetheless it's been suggested that it may be time to do one…..so , here “it” is.

What has been happening since then? Or, rather, what has happened. Well, I left, or should I say fled Stonehenge on September 17, with a guy named Mike. Why? Well…..if I am really honest it was because I wanted to get high. That’s the crazy thing about this disease of addiction….at the time, had you told me that morning that I would be leaving to smoke crack once again I would have thought that you were crazy……NO WAY was that my “plan”….yet all of a sudden I found myself convincing this man to help me flee the treatment centre that I truly loved….I mean I was actually beginning to do some actual “work” on myself and thawing out in a way that really felt not only real, but safe.

So, what happened...

Mike and I got high for a few days in Barrie and then when the fog lifted and we both saw what we had done….we went to detox separately.

Two days later my father died.
Ouch.
Thank-God I was in a safe place when I got the news. (Brampton Detox).
Thank-God I wasn’t getting high, even though I wanted to.

Another relapse.
A Funereal
Another Detox.

During this time I kept up my “friendship” with Mike and for some reason we seemed to maintain a kindred spirit that neither of us understood but we kept in touch eventually living together in Barrie for a month or so in October.

Needless to say that didn’t really work out too well. Perhaps because we were living in a house with no heat or hot water, in and amongst people who were still using and living the addict lifestyle.

I left, on my own in the beginning of November.

Shelter life in Toronto.
Ugh! Alone afraid and maybe for the first time - really absorbing the harsh realities of where my addiction had taken me, both geographically and emotionally.
It’s one thing being “on my own” separated from all you people and my family when I am running “game” getting high all the time and basically medicating my self but when I’m not, when I’m clean and waking up each day in a shelter, with no money, no where to go, no one who wants to see me…..it sucked!
Bottom line……that connection that I had with my friend Mike finally seems to have become apparent. Today he is more than my friend…..he’s my boyfriend! That sounds so silly and foreign for me to say! Shit, When ‘s the last time I had a BOYFRIEND????

A long time.

We are both clean and sober and regularly attending meetings where other recovering people meet. We found our first apartment (apparently it HAS heat and Hot water too!), thanks to help from Toronto Public Health ( Deb and Karen).

So, today things actually feel not only manageable and peaceful but also filled with hope and love.

Wow.

Later.

Lisa (and Mike too).

Sep-13-2006 - SHIFT ^

                                                                                                                                         September 11, 2006

         Hey. Not really in the mood to write but one thing I’m learning is that usually when I don’t want to do something it’s exactly what I SHOULD be doing. So writing it is…

         What can I say- I feel I’m going through a SHIFT of some sort., not sure what it is or where I am going but I’m familiar with this “discomfort” I’m sitting in and usually it means I’m about to grow.- (It used to mean, get me some drugs A.S.A.P.), but now, in recovery, I sit in the “uncomfortable” and end up actually FEELING what it is like….whoa…..

          How can I describe it? I can’t. This is good. It means that it is coming from my heart not my head. This long long trip I’ve just begun (from my head to my heart) is really trippy. Something I’ve never really done before, actually ever. I’ve lived in my head, rationalizing, justifying every emotion away.

         Subsequently, going through to this unfamiliar place leaves me with a loss of words.

I guess that is good.
Or is it? (ooops)

Later

Lisa

Aug-31-2006 - Stonehenge

It's been a couple of months...I think? I am doing this blog via Canada Post. I'm at a Stonhenge Therapeutic Community in Guelph Ontario- a long term (4-6 months) residential treatment centre. Finally!

The first time I considered coming here was almost 10 years ago, and again a few years back- both times I chickened out. Last January my friends Betty and Patrick drove me here for my first assessment and I got placed on the waiting list. Between January and April things began to progress with the film and opportunities to receive treatment in California became available and I clearly accepted. Ironically space became available for me here one week after I arrived in San Diego at AA&E. I declined my position and stayed in California.
Upon returning to Toronto it was soon clear that something more than "2 months in the sun" was needed to maintain any long term sobriety and peace of mind. I phoned Stonehenge and thankfully had not lost my hope for admittance. Finally in mid July I got a call and was told to report to the facility on August 1, and to be prepared to stay for 4 to 6 months.

So- I've been here almost a month already and it's the best decision I've made in years- if not my whole life.
It is unlike any treatment I've received (and I've been to a lot...this is number 9).

It's a community of addicts, much like myself who are committed to change...Very quickly those who are not willing are challenged on their behavior and either end up leaving or ultimately start changing their old behaviors.

The discipline, rules and chores are as grueling as the work looking within. It is all done within a supportive individual, yet community based environment. I really like it! I struggle, yes, but I am so glad to be here.

So- I'll be here for another 4 months or so- then I've been accepted to Nazareth House in Toronto- a sobriety based female only home that has some structure but is not treatment. I can stay there for a year; get a 'job',
continue working on recovery and learn to reintegrate back into society. S L O W L Y.

I am basically committing to a year or two of being in a controlled environment- a far cry from 14 years ago when my therapist suggested 21 days of treatment that happened to fall during 'Caribana' and I was appalled... miss Caribana?? Are you crazy?

My how things have changed.

Thank god.

Lisa.

Jun-26-2006 - Turning Point

When I sit to Blog, usually I am aware of what I am feeling and what I am attempting to express and the words just flow. Today however, I am not.
I am stuck.
I have been in a dark place the last few days and only today I am slowly moving back into a state of trust, clarity, and most important willingness.
Not since I left Toronto for California have I been in this state of mind. One that is not only in constant battle with my addiction, but that is full of fear.
Fear of ‘letting go’; fear that if I don’t “have this or that; that if people don’t behave this way or that way….I won’t be ok. Bottom line, I took back “control” of my life somewhere in the past week and it has really fucked me up. That sense of safety and peace that I have when I TRUST the process, my Higher Power, was thrown aside by my Ego.
Subsequently I am at a turning point (probably one of many) and need to take direction from some people that I trust. People that were just like me and have found a way out, who have stayed clean and sober for years. They have all made clear some fundamental areas that I need to avoid for months, maybe even a year.

Besides the basic requirements of surrender, rigorous honesty, levelling of pride, and constant though of others that recovery demands, it is also suggested that anything that may distract this process be put aside for a while. For me this means really anything that may cause my emotions to get the better of me or will trigger my old coping behaviours, and ultimately using again. That means, no romance, no getting involved in other peoples drama, no interaction with people who still use, no involvement with situations that may cause my ego to thrive, and living in a safe, clean and sober environment.

I am most likely moving to such a place this week. I had an interview today and they have space available. Awesome. Relieves my mind of enormous stress.

These necessary changes also mean that I need to remove myself from this project, and allow ”Cracked Not Broken” to evolve without me as a participant for the time being.

This is difficult and sad.
A bit confusing.
But also a relief.

It is sad and difficult because I believe the film was the primary instigator in getting me off the street and into recovery. Without it I may not have had that moment of clarity last August when I left the hotel. I definitely would not have been connected to my therapist Andrew Galloway who saw the film and graciously offered his services. It was through Andrew, and his time spent rallying for me that I was blessed with treatment in California and none of this would have happened had Paul not believed in this film and its possibilities. How can I not feel indebted to this project?

This is why it is confusing. On the one hand I feel it is both an honour and a “given” that I help with the film, hopefully reaching what Paul envisions, and yet I feel awkward and unsure of what my ‘role’ is. I delight when I hear that the film has provoked media interest yet I feel so ashamed when I watch footage of television spots and they introduce the clip with phrases like “ From happy homemaker to homeless hooker”….. It’s hard.
Not to mention how do I separate my newfound hope from sensationalism? Clearly my story sparks interest opens peoples eyes to the harsh reality of addiction, but I can’t afford to jeopardize my sobriety for notoriety. The footage that has been captured can take a life of its own, it doesn’t need me to market and promote it.

Therefore I am also relieved that I am now choosing to focus ONLY on my recovery for a while. It relieves me to not have to feel feelings that are overwhelming. This may sound cowardly to some yet when it comes to saving my life and getting honest that I have no clue how to process emotions let alone change. I first need to get used to existing as a clean and sober human being. Then, slowly I can explore the endless possibilities that await me, but only if I remain clean, one day at a time.

Jun-19-2006 - Happy Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day!

I’ve been home now for 4 days. I think that the weirdest part of being home is just how unfamiliar my routine is. I am not used to walking into my apartment and not immediately getting high, I’m not used to walking or driving down my street without having just ‘picked up’ and knowing that I’m going home to get high, basically, I’m not used to being in my own surroundings with out using. I am also keenly aware that the dope is VERY close….I mean I could pick up the phone and have the shit in my hand within 15 minutes…..that’s scary. I truly believe that God IS standing between cocaine and me. It’s nothing short of a miracle that I am 61 days clean.

Yesterday I lay out by the pool. It’s funny, I’ve lived in this house almost a year and this was the first time I lay out and used the pool. When I was using I always wanted to get out there, made several plans do to so, but those who have suffered from addiction will understand, we make lots of promises, have a lot of great ideas, but never seem to do much.

My brother just called, saying he’ll be about 20 minutes late…..this is yet another example of the unfamiliarity of sobriety. First of all, I’m actually ready, before it would have been me getting high in a PANIC because “reality” would be at my doorstep momentarily therefore causing the inability to get ‘relief” from the drug, combined with me calling whomever to stall them…what a difference. I’m not sure if this makes any sense to the non-addict but to me it is HUGE. Also, I have a gift for my father and a card, another big change. In the past if I had even bothered to show up I certainly wouldn’t have a gift….I never had money for anything but dope. Never.

Anyhoo…I am truly grateful that today I am a ‘part of’ and that one day, one hour at a time, I am being separated from cocaine, and this is an absolute miracle.

Lisa

Jun-16-2006 - back home

I’m at an Internet café on my way to a meeting. I stopped in here to check my e-mail, as my Internet connection at home is not reconnected yet.
When I walked into my apartment last night I was a bit shocked. I had forgotten how I used to live…. what a mess. Some friends of my Mom and mine had graciously cleaned it up so it was a lot better than it was…. However I have a lot of cleaning, painting, etc. to do. This is good though, it will give me something to do with my time.

I slept well. Woke early, did my recovery practices (prayer, journal, and my step work), went for a walk to see my Dad and now I’m off to a noon meeting.
I NEED to keep busy, as I am keenly aware of how my mind works…. how cunning the addict brain is. Yes I’ve experienced a profound transformation, yes it’s a miracle that I’m clean and sober 59 days…. yet I MUST continue to walk on this path of light, slowly but constantly…always remembering that if I don’t I will surely die.

Heavy shit.

I feel so blessed though that my mind is being continually cleansed through this process and that I may be able to help another find their way to the light soon too.

Lisa

Jun-14-2006 - Last Day in California

Change is hard now that I'm sober.

I'm sad, emotionally vulnerable, excited, afraid, ready, and overwhelmed all at once. I can perhaps compare it to the way a child may feel when he leaves summer camp. Not to negate this experience by comparing it to camp, but I imagine that a child ( I never went to camp) feels homesick, yet safe and protected in their temporary setting, They gained new experiences, made lifelong friends and went through certain trials and tribulations of life, some for the very first time. Being out here, with my newfound sobriety has been very much a child like experience. I find myself so excited about little things the way a child is and also have the same vulnerable emotions as say a seven year old. This is both good and bad. Thank-God I don't have to do it ALONE. I have been blessed with a lot of people who are rallying for me, many others who are in recovery and working an awesome program, and of course The Big Guy, God.

I feel that since I stopped using and have been introduced to a Power that IS working in my life, I, along with this Source, have been able to 'get through' an enormous amount of change, with both tenacity and hope. I must believe then that it is exactly this that will carry me through the next phase of my development and keep me safe, protected and on the 'path' when I return back to Toronto.

I will forever miss my 'comrads' out here in Santa Monica, some more than others, but by in large, I will certainly hold these memories as some of the finest of my life.

God Bless you all.

Lisa

Jun-11-2006 - Gloomy

June 9, 2006

Still gloomy. I'm losing my tan. C'est la vie.

I started doing a list of all the people I resent as they (people who have successfully stayed clean and sober) say if I make such a list and see what's REALLY behind my anger I can start to see what blocks me from the Light, what blocks me from staying clean and sober. Shit, I already have over 200 people place things etc that I resent.

No wonder I got high!! Ha.

It gives me a headache and all I want to do is nap.
I mean who wants to look at this stuff.
However, I am willing to go to any lengths for my recovery.
I'll keep doing it everyday until I finish. They say that on the other side of this work is a dimension that I have never seen, one filled with peace and wellness.

Bring it on.

Paul is heading out to California on Sunday night and we are going to do some filming together for 'part two' of Cracked Not Broken. I can't wait to see him. Several people out here that are also clean and sober are interested in being interviewed, I'm happy for Paul. It should make an interesting angle for the film. Plus it will be a nice was for me to visually remember everyone as well, to be able to watch the unedited footage when I miss it here, and I will.

Very much.

I'm 52 days clean. Flippin' MIRACLE.

Thanks God, you rock.

Home in 6 days.

Jun-05-2006 - June

Good Morning,
It's really foggy this morning; they call it "June Gloom" out here.
It's June, and it's gloomy.
I can't believe that I'm home in 9 days…..we've entered into single digit territory…..
One thing for sure, I'm really going to miss it here. I've made so many good friends and really feel a 'part of' for the first time in a LONG time. I walk into meetings and know so many people by name….I kind of feel that this is a second home for me. Plus, I got clean and sober here!!!! People are forever coming up to me and commenting on how much I've changed since I first arrived back in April. Apparently I couldn't sit still for very long (I still can't but it's A LOT better), I have gained 20+ lbs, my eyes are clear…ECT
It feels nice to hear those things because although I am aware that I have changed more than I ever have in my life, it's nice to hear. My friend Jenny said that when I first got here she could hardly stand being around me, that I was talking all "street" and had a druggy vibe about me. Now we hang out all the time. So either she's in relapse mode or I am in fact changing. Ha, I'm quite sure it's the latter.

I have just gone through a phase of recovery that was suggested by some people who have gone through what I have and are still clean and sober; they suggested that I spend a day or two in my "unmanageability", to pretend that I have no Higher Power in my life, to assume that I can live on my OWN resources and stay clean and sober on the basis of SELF (knowledge/will).
Holy Smokes….it was brutal.
I didn't think it would be that fucked up?
It was suggested that I don't pray for those days, and "pretend" that I had no God, Higher Power, whatever in my life.
By the end of the 2nd day I couldn't stop crying, I was full of fear, felt totally out of place here, felt as though people hated me…blah blah.
It was an incredible experience. I saw, I felt, I realized just how much on my own I am FUCKED.
That on my OWN I will surly use/drink again.

Bottom line, I accept, truly accept, how much I need a Higher Power in my life.

Cool.

Jun-01-2006 - DISNEY WORLD

I went to a meeting last night, a really big one with about 800-1000 people. After we picked our seats and were leaving to go and get a bite to eat I hear my name called out. I couldn't believe it. There, standing in front of me is a girl that I knew a long time ago from Toronto. I knew her from recovery, and she's still sober. (5 years now). Amazing how that happens. She's here for a few weeks and, like myself, has little to "do" during the day; we're going to hang out together.
She was telling me that she saw me on the street a few years ago looking awful. She said that it really affected her and that she's has thought of me often since. (I don't even remember that). She had heard that I was on Oprah but because she had not seen me at meetings in Toronto, assumed that I was back out using. Nevertheless, was so happy to see that I was not.
What are the chances of that; walking down Sunset Blvd in California and running into a sober friend from Toronto? The funny thing is that just prior to that I was complaining to another friend that I'm bored during the days out here as everybody else works. It's only at night that I have a social life with other clean and sober people. I had called a couple of people who were available during the days but it gets complicated because the two that I am aware of that have free time in the days are men. It always gets confusing with the men. They can assume that maybe you're calling them for "other reasons", well, God just went and made that a whole lot easier for everyone and places a sober female in my path that I've known for years, who, like me, has little to do during the day. She's rented a car and wants to drive out to Malibu for example for the day. I really want to check out Universal Studios, and maybe even Disney World.

It's just one more example that we are 'taken care of' so long as we stay on the path.
Home in 13 days.

Lisa

May-28-2006 - Back In Santa Monica

Back in Santa Monica...

It's funny, although I was only here for a week prior to going to treatment; it feels like I was here longer. I made some friends here (clean and sober ones) and it was almost like I was "coming home" when I got here. It's so nice to feel a sense of belonging and a part of life.
I'm becoming aware of just how long, how many years I spent hiding from life, people, and society. It's weird, even when I go to use the bathroom I'm so aware that I'm not using that as an excuse to go and get high. Every time that I would be in any 'social' arena I would have been getting high when I "went to the bathroom". The amount of times that I had an "upset stomach" so that I could "use" the washroom 10 times an hour was incredible. I actually thought that people believed me, ha, how could they.
Clearly they knew, how insane.

Anyhoo, I'm spending my days surrounded by clean and sober people and learning how to 'walk the path', learning how to get "myself"(my thinking, my great plans that NEVER work out) out of the way so to speak.
Basically, I am learning how to live in a manner that will ensure that I will remain clean and sober if I just do what I'm supposed to do. The power that I lack to remain sober will be given to me if I adopt a 'way of life' that is completely different than before.
It's so funny, recovery basically entails putting down the drugs and completely changing my life……….can sound overwhelming, but ya know what…what was overwhelming was moving hotel rooms every few days (usually on the 'run') , smoking and shooting cocaine for days on end, sleeping with strangers for the money to support my habit, ect…. that's OVERWHELMING.

Recovery pales in comparison, in fact, now that I'm finally willing to go to any lengths, it's actually a joy.

Later.

Lisa

May-25-2006 - Hungry for recovery !

I did my last two PROMETA treatments the other day, feels as good as I did the last time back in April. CNN was there doing a piece and they interviewed me and may use the footage of me receiving the treatment.

I am leaving tomorrow from the place I am to go back to Santa Monica. While there I plan to continue working on my recovery with several people who ‘have gone before me” and take direction from them as to how to continue to stay clean and sober.
I look forward to being back there. The people I have met there truly have what I want. They have that spark in their eye, and have been not just clean and sober for years but for the most part, happy, joyous and free. They have been given a life by doing what they did and still do to stay clean…..I want that so desperately.

Who would have figured that I would have become this "hungry” for recovery, when 37 days ago I had only an appetite for cocaine.

That’s God working in my life.
For sure.

Lisa

May-21-2006 - 30 DAYS TO GO!

Sunday

May 21, 2006

I’ll be home in Toronto in exactly one month. I can’t believe it is so soon. On one hand I feel excited about this, I can’t wait to see my family (especially my daughter) Paul, Nicol, Tom and Andrew. I’m so looking forward to hooking back up with my clean and sober friends that I pushed aside for so long and beginning my life as a sober member of society. However, I would be a liar if I didn’t say that the concept coming home also puts a big lump in my belly…a healthy fear I suppose, but a fear nonetheless.

I’ve been meditating on that for a few days now. Meditating on the advice that was passed on to me by someone that I trust.
Grasping a concept which may in fact save my life.
I need to remember that it is NOT MY SELF that will save me, but rather WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME if I DO what I am supposed to do, that will save me. Hard to grasp at first but I am beginning to understand. It’s kind of like if I hold on too tight to the edge of the cliff I’ll just get sore hands and never really move, but, if I let go, one of two things will happen.

I’ll fall and land on my feet, or,
I’ll learn to fly.

So, I’m learning to let go a little bit at a time. Hard to do for the control freak that I am.
But, “they” say that it is this concept that is the cornerstone of my recovery.

So, in reference to my fear of being back in Toronto, I can implement this same concept. Instead of saying to myself…OKAY, DO THIS DO THAT…..I HAVE TO BE THIS WAY ……blah blah….rather, accept that, really, I CAN’T DO ANYTHING EXCEPT what I am told to do by those that have been where I am and have found a way out. If I follow THEIR instructions and let go of my own ideas, then I will be ok.
Always remembering that it was my “great” thinking, my fantastic “plans” that got me sitting in my basement smoking crack, and that maybe, just maybe, if I follow someone else’s “plan” things just may work out. Hey, who knows, perhaps one day I can do the same for someone else……

I think that’s the whole idea.

Lisa.

May-18-2006 - 30 days clean

30 Days clean

30 Days clean and sober, that’s T H I R T Y days….. not since December 2003 have I had that amount of time clean. Miracle, absolute miracle.

30 days ago, I sat in my basement surrounded by garbage, overflowed ashtrays, a kitchen that had not been cleaned in weeks, basically I was living like an animal. I had been using for maybe a day or two non stop and was pissed that I had run out. It was 1;00 a.m. on the 17th of April, (therefore my clean date is the 18th) and I had no more avenues left to keep using. That rarely happened when I was hustling. I was usually able to somehow, always, get more. This time, however, I couldn’t. I was so mad. I remember that I accepted this fact and went to sleep with the notion that, I’ll just use again tomorrow. I slept right through till the a.m. of the 19th. It was on the 19th that things sped up quite quickly and my therapist Andrew Galloway called and was suggesting a meeting take place over at Paul’s house to discuss getting me off to treatment sooner than later, well, next thing I knew I was driving towards the border, headed for Buffalo with my Mother, dirty clothes shoved in a duffle bag, on my way to change my life.

Had you told me that night that April 18th would be my clean date, I would have said “You’re crazy”
I was planning to use the next day,
Like they say in recovery, the addicts “best thinking” is what got them in trouble in the first place. I guess that God was making alternate plans for me that day!!!!

I remember sitting on the sofa at Paul’s house the morning of the 19th while he was filming me talk about something……and I had the notion, quite strongly, that …I NO LONGER USE DRUGS. I remember saying this to Paul, quite clearly, and on some level, I ‘knew” this. I could feel it, I was done. The nightmare was over, it was time to not just get out of the bad dream but to, finally, wake-up. Funny that every other time I’ve ‘surrendered” to recovery I had some sort of dramatic; last hit, smash, whatever. .

I guess that, actually, I know that, all those months of prayer for the willingness that I didn’t have when I was using, paid off.
Thank-you God. Thank-you Paul, Nicol, Tom and Andrew for not giving up on me, if it were not for you, no one would be reading this blog today, and that, I am quite sure of.

Lisa

May-16-2006 - Mothers Day 2006

Happy Mothers Day!!!!!

I can remember the last 3 Mothers Days quite clearly. They were just awful. Sad. Sad. Sad. Filled with such an extra ordionary amount of shame and guilt. I didn’t even show up.
Instead I got high, with the hopes of somehow drowning out the enormous pain I felt inside. How incredibly selfish I was. True self-centeredness at its core.
Today however, I am not high.
This is a miracle.
I now have a chance…..
My daughter has a chance to have a mother.
My Mother (and step-father) have a chance to be (just) grandparents and not the sole providers of my only child, the only one I’ll ever have.
My beautiful baby girl.
I MISS HER SO MUCH.

I remember that day she was born like it was yesterday, after 38 hours of labour I held this beautiful child in my arms. Breast-feeding came very natural for me (thank God) and even though giving birth was the hardest thing I’ve done so far in my life…it was awesome. I didn’t know that that kind of power existed in the Universe let alone in the core of my being. I felt that I was a woman after that, before I was just a girl.

Sad how a disease like addiction can tear us apart from the things we truly love in life. Awesome that there exists a power that can, will and is transforming me back to the woman that I always dreamed of being.
The woman that I was intended to be.
This power works through people in my life, through circumstances and through the lessons that I learn every day that will help to keep me clean and sober, ONE DAY AT A TIME, for the rest of my life.

Happy mothers day all of you, especially you Mom.
I Love you.

Lisa

May-16-2006 - 6:15 AM

I’m usually up at this hour despite the fact that this morning I was woken up by the rooster that wanders about the grounds here. I sleep with my patio door open, to get fresh air during the night, this morning that damm bird was right at my door “cock-a-doodle-dooing” – he may as well have been in bed with me it was so loud. How rude.

I swear the animals they have here have just as much dysfunction as the patients. The goat for example, aptly named Chester, is insane. They have to lock him up with the Guinea Pigs because he bucks all the clients-- nice--.

On a better note, I experienced some more “growth” yesterday, peeled one more layer of the onion so to speak. Upon examination of the “triggers” and dark avenues that could be detrimental to my recovery when I return home to Toronto, I divulged to my councellor that I still had my “escort” photos in my Yahoo folder. Why? I’m not sure why I still had them? Memorabilia? Hmm? I see now that it was my sneaky cunning addict part of my brain…like molten lava that creeps slowly and dangerously in my mind. I MUST have a strategy to keep this deadly force at bay. Needless to say, The councilor and I erased the photos and in a couple of seconds they were gone – for good. 4 years of my life, who I WAS, gone, deleted into cyberspace never to be retrieved. Gulp. It was heavy. Despite the fact that I was moved to tears ( of Joy ) I was also aware that my addict was screaming. I changed my clothes probably 4 times in the 2 hours following. From all black ( in mourning? ) and finally settled on a long pink skirt ( something I NEVER would have worn when I “worked”. Weird. I am starting to realize just how much all this has effected me, who I am as a woman. Who I will become. What I want to strive towards. Cool. I am so excited to not only have realized more about myself but also to have taken one more step towards keeping that lava at bay.

Love to you all.

Lisa

May-10-2006 - Afterthoughts

I’m sitting on the veranda having a coffee and cigarette, it’s 7:15 a.m. and I’ve been up for an hour. I love mornings now…they are so peaceful and quiet. How crazy it is that for years I hated mornings, it meant that the sun was up and that it would be harder to find a dealer should I have run out of drugs. Yuck. I’ve had a range of emotions since both the taping and airing of Oprah. Feelings of elation and “stardom” to ones of betrayal and feeling like a prostitute “all over again”.
I am doing a lot of work here on focusing on TREATMENT and continuing to keep my shift on recovery, not on the potential of becoming a “celebrity” addict ( this not only makes me cringe, but, could potentially ruin my sobriety). The Drs. And counselors are really focusing on helping me learn to balance the notoriety and all that comes with it….radio, T.V. and festival appearances that have happened since Oprah, with RECOVERY.
Yesterday I had a major breakthrough with some “issues”. One of the Doctors in particular along with his protégé Gia, have really helped me. They, along with my Therapist Andrew Galloway in Toronto are the first people that I can remember that I actually trust on an emotional level. The work that I am beginning to do I am already seeing results. I am so lucky to have been given this opportunity. Wow. It’s almost overwhelming. On another note, some of the e-mails that I’ve received since the Oprah too have been overwhelming. I’ll share with you all one that made me cry and cry. I still cry when I read it....

Hi Lisa,
You probably don't remember me — I worked with you at Hemmingways in Yorkville
about 12 years ago now I guess. We have mutual aquaintances and I've heard about
what's happening with you through these people. It makes me sad to know what you've
been going through. I've always liked you, I believe the last time I saw you was
about a year after you had your daughter. Anyhoo, I just wanted to let you know that
I'm thinking of you.
Some people, I believe, are born with a light that overwhelms that particular
person, like an energy that just wants to get out and sometimes we're not equipped
at how to release the light so we delve into a darkness. You have a very bright
side, I've seen it. Its there in your eyes and your smile so don't be afraid of it,
I hope your recovery enables you to embrace your light again and I'm sure it will
because there's so much of it within you.
Good luck with everything, I wish you the best. You're a beautiful girl both inside
and out.
Here are some inspiring words:

A flower born of adversity is both the rarest and the most beautiful of them all.
Thats you!

There is no pleasure in life equal to that of the conquest of a vicious habit.

He who conquers himself has won a greater victory than he who conquers a city.

No woman is free who is not master of herself.

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, this time more wisely.

Great changes may not happen right away, but with effort even the difficult may
become easy.

Don't ask for a light load, but rather ask for a strong back.

Never, never, never give up.

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

You go girl!!

May-07-2006 - Short & Sweet

" GO CONFIDENTLY IN THE DIRECTION OF YOUR DREAMS. LIVE THE LIFE YOU"VE IMAGINED"

Henry David Thoreau

Great Advice Mr.Thoreau

Think I'll do just that.

Lisa

May-05-2006 - P.O.W.

I’m suffering from both P.O.W. (Post Oprah Withdrawal) and PMS at the same time so needless to say I am just a wee bit cranky and fragile.

How did it go… well, I’m still not sure? My brain feels like a pinball machine. I’m still waiting for the ball to find its ‘place’, to stop hitting the sides, for all the noise to cease and lights to go out…I’m sure it will take a couple of days before I really figure out how I actually feel.
A part of me feels proud of myself and yet another part of me feels STILL like a prostitute……exposing myself for the viewing pleasure of others. Maybe that makes sense…maybe it’s normal and all people on her show feel this way.

I really hope though that the show in no way offends my family. I had no idea that they would have the visuals of me shooting up on the “clip”
They did.
Oh well.
Sorry Mom. I love you.

I’m going to keep this blog short and sweet as I will wait for the little silver ball to find its place in my brain before I say anything more.

By the way……..17 days CLEAN AND SOBER

WOO HOO

Lisa

May-02-2006 - 14 DAYS CLEAN & SOBER

I’m feeling that recovery and the lifestyle that recovery entails is slowly reintegrating itself back into my life. For me this means…sleeping well, bed around 9 p.m. waking around 6 a.m. In recovery, I love the mornings…..before everybody else is up, it’s so quiet. I can journal and have my coffee and a bunch of cigarettes (it’s progress-not perfection), and calm down this brain of mine that tends to go a mile a minute.

One of the greatest pleasures that sobriety has brought back into my life is FEELING. I’d forgotten what it was like to truly laugh. The big belly laughs when your stomach almost hurts. I missed that. I’d forgotten about that.
Also, on the other end, feeling pain and sadness….which is JUST AS IMPORTANT. I think that the statement…”Don’t cry” should be removed from the English language…..
I have s l o w l y begun to allow myself to feel some pain. Missing my daughter for example. We used to listen to ABBA when she was younger, and I was still at home. To this day, she still loves ABBA. The other day in the van when we were all going to town Dancing Queen was on the radio and I couldn’t stop the tears, they kept coming. Although I have shoved this type of REALITY and PAIN inside for so long it is starting to squish out my eyeballs, ears….whatever….there is no more room inside my head to keep shelving all this. Actually, even the last year or two of using, the dope wouldn’t even cover it. I would occasionally get so upset I’d explode. In unhealthy ways mind you.

The therapists here all say that I have an enormous amount of pain in me but that I also have an enormous amount of LIGHT. They are not only guiding me thorough allowing the pain to emerge but to not be afraid of the powerful bright energy that lives inside me too. They suggest that it is this that kept me from becoming completely lost in the darkness that I’ve lived in.

Nelson Mandela’s inaugural speech has a line that says just that. Something like it is our LIGHT not our DARKNESS that scares us the most…..

I remember when I first got out into the life of Drugs, Prostitution and “street” subculture FULLTIME, as in having no real job, living in hotels, ect….This guy said to me…”Lisa, you’re going to have to lose that side of yourself that is kind and compassionate ect…in order to ‘survive’”, and I thought to myself……No Way….If I lose that side of myself, my soul…then “they’ve” got me.

This is something I must also embrace.
I believe it to be true. Even as a little girl I knew that there was/is an enormously bright energy inside me.

Once I allow the darkness to diminish and melt away I will shine…..I have to hold on to this hope/belief. It will get me through the tough times ahead.

Lisa

May-01-2006 - MAY the Force be with me!

Well, I am now at AA&E Retreat and have been here since the 27th of April. WOW, what a place. The surroundings are absolutely beautiful. High up in the hills overlooking breathtaking views…they have chickens, bunnies, a goat ( I have ‘issues’ with the goat, or maybe he has “issues” with me….not sure.) and a big very loving dog. Apparently they are getting some Llamas soon too!
Besides that, this place is unlike any other treatment centre I’ve been to. There are only 6 patients at a time, yet there are so many doctors and counselors that I don’t even think I’ve met them all yet. It really gives you a feeling of being taken SERIOUSLY. They are all highly trained and this makes me feel safe and ok to begin the process of allowing my self to explore my years of pain and trauma to come out.

They deal specifically with not only the addiction but duel diagnosis, so therefore I can not only get help for my primary problem, the addiction, but also deal with the trauma of the rape, the damage of working as an escort and what this did to my emotional and sexual personification of self, the trauma of almost being killed…I was strangled in a hotel room until I urinated…..I won’t go into more detail than that….let’s just say this….VERY traumatic. Anyway….Bottom line, they are equipped to deal with all this.

It’s the first time EVER that I actually feel SAFE and READY to LOOK at all this stuff…and, with the faith and willingness to open these doors of pain.
Cool.
I’m ready. Fearful –YES -- But ready.

During the week ( Monday-Friday) we are busy busy busy with Doctors and group therapy yet on the weekends we get massages and vitamin B shots to help us relax, oh and we also go into town for lunch and some shopping if we choose. Clearly I can’t talk about who is here, but I’ll say that the 5 other people are an eclectic bunch of fantastic people….somehow our similarities and differences seem to flow on a cool level. Thank God there is another female here too. My roommate. She Rocks. Hi S…….., glad you are here!!!

I really feel that I am starting to change.

I was journaling ( Yes, journaling……I can’t believe it) and during my writing it occurred to me that perhaps that day when I called Paul and said “ hey come film me” that even though it was really an EGO “ I’m all that” part of me that made the call….had I not…..I would not be here, this morning, clean and sober writing this blog. Wow. Maybe God was at the forefront of my decision that day…….I can’t help but believe that He was.
My friend Dermot used to tell me years ago that God loves me so much that he can’t take His eyes off me…..I am starting to really believe this to be true.

Lisa

Apr-27-2006 - On the 3rd day of treatment...

So, I always thought that sleeping and eating were so OVERRATED, uh yeah…today if I don't get to bed by 9:30 I'm a wreck, and eating…well, let's just say that I've already gained a much needed 9lbs.

I remember the last time I was clean and sober for any length of time I not only gained 35lbs (I went in at 90lbs, this time I entered at 110lbs) but also re-familiarized myself with my love of art. "Craft night" at the treatment center I was at was my FAVORITE. I started doing a lot of crafts, mainly acrylic ceramic pots…they were so good, people were suggesting that I sell them. Bottom line…I was like, maybe I'm a FAT CRAFT MAKER??? Who knows? When you spend as many years as I have doing nothing but getting high you really don't know who you are, who God intended you to be.
Can't wait to find out what He has in store for me?

The treatments at Prometa are really great. I've been a bit groggy but the coolest thing is that I have not had ONE using dream since I started the process. Before that, every night I'd have these horribly chaotic disgusting dreams of drug life. I never got high in the dreams which really pissed me off - at least if I had to go through all the madness I may as well have gotten some relief…. stupid sub conscious, anyway, since I began Prometa, NOT ONE using dream…..cool.
Besides that I feel FANTASTIC…..ready to embark on the next phase of my development. Off to AA&E retreat today, immediately after my third Prometa treatment.

I'll miss Santa Monica and all the friends I've made here…..Fran, Jenny and Sarah, Angela, Dan, Brooks, Patrick, Chandra……..all of you, THANKS from the bottom of my heart for helping guide me through this part of my journey. Really, I can't imagine how my week here would have turned out if I didn't have you all. Especially you Fran.
Thank-you so much.

Love to you all.

Lisa

Apr-24-2006 - Sunny California

Wow.
What a whirlwind.
All of a sudden, or so it feels, I am in Santa Monica, California.

I left Toronto on the 19th, drove to Buffalo and flew out of there via Chicago to LA the next day.

I'm here to GET CLEAN AND SOBER!
For good.
For real.
For Ever. (One day at a time…).

How ironic (or God sent) is it that while I am in Santa Monica and undergoing my first treatment at the PROMETA CENTRE we were concerned where I was going to stay as the treatment is only a few hours a day for a few days. (I start today, so I'll update the progress later).
Was I going to have to stay at a "Motel 6", perhaps having to be a bit triggered by years of living in hotels?
Well, turns out that an old family friend(s) live right here in Santa Monica. Not only that………are you ready for this… they are CLEAN and SOBER. My mom grew up with the mom, and I grew up with her daughter.
In fact, I had my first drink with her!!!!
Can you imagine, how flippin crazy is that??????

So, needless to say, I have been surrounded by such Love and camaraderie from these people it's almost overwhelming.

Hey…lemme give a "shout out" to all the folks at "As outlined in the book" on Tuesday night. You know who you are. Woo Hoo!!!!!!
Did I just say, "Shout out"?
Fuck. I'm turning southern Californian already.

I have changed already though. I can feel it.
Ya, I got my hair cut, some new L.A. clothes, a tattoo (on Venice beach, I may add). But really, I feel so different INSIDE too.

Is it HOPE?
Is it FAITH?
Is it GOD?

Ya know what…who cares. Because one thing I am sure of is that IT FEELS REALLY GREAT!

Love Lisa

Apr-20-2006 - school daze

Creating dialogue through the film and this web site...

Hi Lisa,

I'm a girl from Holy Trinity School and I saw your film "Cracked Not Broken" this afternoon. I have to say first... it's awesome that you have decided to go into rehab and that you have the courage to let people actually watch your video knowing all the judgment that could be made against you. It opened my eyes to a whole new world that I always knew existed but it gave me some insight into how different of a life some people, not too far from home, are living.

Although experimenting a bit with alcohol, I've stayed clean from drugs. I probably wouldn't be able to say that if I didn't have God in my life. It just helps to be able to tell your problems and everything that's stressing you out, to someone that you know can change things.

You deserve a different and much better life than the one you have been living, Lisa. You're beautiful, and an amazing person, and you have a lot of courage. I don't know exactly what you are going through with rehab and all, but always know that God does. I wish I could have met you today and I hope you get well soon. Maybe you'll come talk at HTS sometime when you're well? I'd love to hear back from you.

Much love and encouragement,

xxxxx

P.S. As you put it in your latest blog... God loves you so much that He has a picture of you on his fridge... I haven't heard that before... but that's really cool.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear xxxx:

Your e-mail put the biggest smile on my face, thank-you.

And, like you, I also know and feel that God is the ONLY thing that can and will replace the hole in my self. Each day I pray for the willingness and strength.

Tuesday the 18th I am off to California to start treatment. I'll keep in touch and let you know how things are going.

God Bless.

Lisa

Apr-08-2006 - Piece of mind

I have recently become aware that it is not only addicts that are crazy!!!! Normal people too have a tendency to also become frantic, full of fear, quick to assume and sensitive…..just like me!!!!! Wow. I guess the BIG difference between people like me and all those “functional” people is what ‘solution’ is the automatic response to solving the problem(s). Apparently, it is not just common sense to seek relief through a time out, a walk, maybe even journaling, it is an automatic response to stress. Hmmmm. This is stuff that I am having to both learn and really TRY AND DO.

For myself, the immediate solution was always to just simply…. immediately…. feel better, escape. How childish and selfish when I really look at it.

The last couple of days I’ve done a bit of healthy solution problem solving. I have removed myself from a chaotic inferno of human interaction and without anger or any bottom line grandiose boundaries have just maintained a sense of awareness that no matter what…I’m going to be ok. God loves me, there is no way he would have carried me out of the wreckage only to kick sand in my face at this point.
In fact, He loves me so much that He has a picture of me on his fridge……(someone told me that once).

Wow.
Peace of mind.
For a moment anyway.

Apr-06-2006 - D-tox

Rested and a few pounds heavier….

Just got home after 4 days in Detox. I was admitted Thursday night (Friday morning). Glad I went.
I made the call not only because I used again, but more so because my body is starting to react in a way that I am all too familiar with and it scares me.
When I was going really hard 2 years ago, living at the condo and using full time, I would, from time to time experience cocaine psychosis. For me it manifests the most noticeable with obsessive scratching…I used to think it was the dope….I would complain to the dealers…saying they had the “itchy dope”. After researching on line however, I learned that this is in fact a common aliment of cocaine psychosis. Basically, I am, in REALITY, not itchy, I just think I am????
Yuck.

Now, I’m home.

This brain of mine scares me.

As fiercely adamant as I was Thursday that “This is IT- Done, even if it takes me months to get into treatment, I’ll stay clean……”
Now, I can begin to hear that all too familiar voice of (NO) reason….that one that THINKS I have some grand ideas…and I actually think I do….which is why this is hard at times….( all the time). Those on the other side of the fence are suggesting that I’m stalling….am I?

Now I’m facing some pretty big decisions regarding treatment…where, when…what will be the best for my recovery, for the film ( secondary yes, important, most definitely).

It’s this time spent at the branch of the road that I want to be done with.

Time. Time. Time.

I’m confused.
Clearly.

Mar-29-2006 - Tide VS. CRACK

$11.49 for 1.8 Litre jug of Liquid Tide.
It amazes me that I actually negotiate in my mind how I can avoid paying such an extraordinary amount of money on this- and – could perhaps use my shampoo or something else to do the 14 tonnes of laundry I have accumulated, yet, I’d gladly, without ANY hesitation, pay $200.00 for an 8 Ball of crack!!!
I bought the laundry soap. I even went hog wild and got a carton of Tropicana Apple juice, bringing the tab close to 20 bucks.

20 bucks…..on several yummy beverages and 10 or so loads of clean fresh clothes……If I was to buy dope….a twenty stone would last say, 9 minutes. Yet how often does my mind rationalize the former……quite often.

I’m looking so forward to the days in my future that will not have this type of thinking in the forefront of my mind constantly. I am excited about this. I’ve been there before, in recovery, when the obsession was actually lifted….it was great.

I’m also looking forward to the days when I need a pen and I can open my desk drawer and actually find one….any crack head will understand this!!!!!!

Mar-22-2006 - Used

Sitting at the computer in my apartment while a friend of mine is hiding behind a curtain holding a cup of water for dear life with one ear pressed to my door…….this is life on crack!! Fucked up. Yeah, I used again….I no longer beat myself up for this…it’s what I’ve done for the better part of 20 years…get high.

I am however, proud that I was able to get through the most stressful days I’ve had in a long time, not only without using but with dignity and perseverance. Really. Going to see my Dad, with the notion that it could very well be the last time I see him, touch him, have the chance to say what I wanted to for years……..it was almost too much, I had to take a cab there ( 3 blocks) as I new I’d never make it out the door.

I prayed that day for the first time in a while……really prayed. Afterwards I had this notion that despite MY feelings surrounding his eminent death , this man was about to die…..maybe he’s more afraid that I am sad. Perhaps he needs me to comfort him. Wow. Thanks God. That rocks. Being able to go and see my dad to let him know it will be o.k. That he was a good dad( well……he did the best he could) , that it’s o.k. to let go.

His eyes were so blue.

Let go. That’s what I also need to do…..let go of trying to control my life…..I clearly don’t do a great job. Ha.

Anyhoo…..

My mother bought me a pin when I was a teenager that said “ Desperately clinging to Utopian illusions”

I guess part of me still is.

Lisa

Mar-18-2006 - E-mail

My mind is almost too fucked to even settle enough to write.

Perhaps this e-mail that I replied to the producer, Tom will suffice.

God Bless these guys, simply trying to keep a minimal amount of direction and simplicity in my life…..I had asked Tom to keep reminding me about getting my passport in order as I often let things slide…..and, despite his busy schedule, he has done just that….thank-you Tom.

So, I get another reminder from him today…..and, well, I’ll let the e-mail speak for it’self.

Say a prayer for me….please….I need it now more than ever!

--------------------------------------------

No, but it's ready......I think I have all the documents.

Tom, my dad has requested that the family all see him this weekend b/c he believes he's about to die. ( My dad has been slowly getting worse for months) He's now 78lbs, at home in a creepy hospital bed....anyway, not that I am creating excuses for my procrastinations.....but holy fuck! Plus I have the rape trial starting Monday morning!

OK, enough rambling.....bottom line, I can't locate my original birth certificate. I was born in London ( was declared a Canadian citizen born abroad) so I am duel. I do have the original documentation for this and my expired passport.....

Also, I thought we were going to have this done in Hamilton or something b/c it's quicker????

Also, how do I pay for it?

I can't deal with this properly right now.....give me a couple more days, I'm sorry

This sounds like I'm getting bitchy at you reminding me.....I'm not, sorry if it sounds that way, I DO APPRECIATE you're tenacity and patience, God knows....and I thank you so much. Please try and understand that I'm not just lazy or something. My mind just is trying to stay afloat and not snap. So, oddly, the little things like getting this done, or blogging are really challenging.

Phew.....I'm almost embarrassed to send this e-mail. Maybe I'll even save it as a potential Blog.....in fact, I will

Mar-07-2006 - Helloooooo !

I feel bad for Paul, Tom and everyone else involved in this film, regarding the Hot Docs Festival.
It must be so frustrating.

For me, I have two trains of thought regarding the “success” of this project.
A (wee) part of me is always a bit relieved, (sorry guys), because sometimes I cringe in shame at having my “not so pretty” side viewed by the masses. I am also equally uncomfortable with the potential of becoming personified as a “celebrity” addict.

I hate that. Really.

Yet, like Paul, I also believe that this film will follow that path that it is ‘meant to”.
Sounds a bit “Oprah Winfrey-ish” but I do believe this. I mean the things that have happened already, the coincidences, the people, the new path that this has set my life on is crazy…I never thought that any of this would have happened.

I’ve had to really search inside to find a place and an avenue that I am comfortable with in terms of the success of this film. When I speak or write I stay clear from a message of “recovery” (I don’t know a lot about it and won’t give advice on treatment etc.) as well the “ drugs are bad” rhetoric-- however I do feel comfortable exposing myself in the hope of smashing (pardon the pun) the stereotype of what an addict is AND that it’s O.K. to talk about it.
Most of us have a family member or friend that suffers from addiction and it’s really not talked about…. my family for example, won’t see the film, this site…and even though I understand that it is painful, it’s exactly this type of “if we don’t talk about it will go away” attitude that keeps the shame and guilt alive, for both the addict and their families.

What a pisser though that the reason that this film was denied by "Hot Docs" is because it was already “screened” in a bar and therefore not a Premier or whatever…silly.

Maybe the committee was not ready to look at this reality either?

Lisa.

Mar-05-2006 - BLOG#5 - I think?

It’s Saturday.
Oh.
It’s really just another day, not like when I had a “real” life, and weekends were awesome.
I remember when I was out using full time and people would say to me….what are you doing this weekend??????? I was like, I don’t even know what I’m doing in an hour…
In “recovery” programs they suggest living one day at a time, I tell you that was a hell of a lot easier when I was out there. Today it is really hard to stay in the moment, stay calm, etc….

I started seeing a Therapist a couple of weeks ago ( he said I could say his name, so I will), good guy, Andrew Galloway.
At first when a friend of a friend suggested I go and see him, I was almost like “ no thanks” I’m really not a huge fan of dwelling in the past, focusing on the problem etc... Not only that My Dad is a psychiatrist, (Freudian) and over the years I’ve seen and been “treated” by the whole 9 yards. From Berglarian, to Geshalut, and quite frankly I found most of it boring and a waste of time. You’d spend hours with these people and they’d say, looking deadly serious, as though this was news to me… that I have abandonment issues… or whatever, NO SHIT!

So, I really wasn’t that excited to say the least. However, when I started out this journey with Paul and Tom I agreed to them and MYSELF that I would allow what came forward and into my path to “be”.
Long story short, Andrew had some availability and I agreed to see him. You know what, I’m glad I did.

His approach is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, (go and look it up yourself) , but bottom line… it deals with present thinking, and change, as in solution! Cool! He’s also a recovering addict and therefore I feel more apt to be honest and if I’m not, he calls me on it!

Addiction is like an inferno……are we going to look at what lit the match or get the hell out.

Later.

Feb-28-2006 - The Bus

The Bus is here, I couldn't see it. I've been waiting for it, and all along it was right out front with the door open waiting for me to climb in. I guess I only see things as they are when I'm ready. Think I'll take the Bus, it's waited long enough.

Lisa

Feb-24-2006 - February 23, 2006

Today Paul told me that it’s been 2 years since the first footage was shot.
He wants me to therefore do another Blog.
I fucking hate these.
The therapist that I started seeing has helped me understand why I get confused about the art of blogging and what they are supposed to be and why I am doing it. He suggested that I get a tape recorder and when I am “Blogging” tape myself , then take the actual words and type those, therefore it will be unedited and more real. Not that these haven’t been, but because I have the time to consider my thought process, it’s probably not as “core” as it should be.

The film footage was. It’s that frame of mind that I need to be in….the one where I couldn’t give a rats ass what you think…..but that’s hard to do here.

For now, this will have to do.

So, what has changed since that day?

-Not working as an escort.
-Have an apartment.
-Have no money.
-In therapy
-No cell phone
-Clean time…..5 days, before that, 4 days…..etc….

This is huge, considering that for years, the only time I was not getting high was when I was asleep.
Gross
Fuck how did my body take it?

Bob Marley says: “ You’re running and you’re running and you’re running away but you can’t run away from yourself”

Later.

Lisa

Feb-21-2006 - The Hard Truth

Quoting something I identify with….

“We feel isolated, and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers and mistake any personal criticism as a threat………even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable solutions”

This is taken from a web page that describes so much of the things that I feel. Having said that, when I look further into the site, at the proposed “solution” they suggest, I recognize that I have, only because of years of sporadic recovery and therapy, implemented SOME healthy coping mechanisms and this gives me hope. Yet clearly this just means that I’ve peeked out from the blanket of dysfunction that has kept me in the dark, and that FEAR continues to keep me from embracing the process wholeheartedly.

Just stopping drugs, as any addict will attest is just the beginning. In fact, when I don’t combine “sobriety” with “recovery” I’m completely insane. I mean, the reason I used drugs to begin with was because they provided a “solution” to the ways I felt. When I got high…everything was “FINE” albeit only for a brief moment, but FINE nonetheless.

Remember that game at the CNE, the one that you’re given a mallet and the frogs jump up sporadically and you have to keep hitting them down? Well, when I got high…the frogs are all down.

Relief.
I can breath.
Everything is manageable.
I can face life.
Bring it on.

And, for years, I was able to achieve this “relief” without much consequence to others or myself. Then, the problems outside of self…. debt, failed relationships, disappointed family, the lies, the stealing, etc. became as overwhelming as what I felt inside from the beginning…

So, then, my addicted mind does what it needs to do, and through cunning baffling manipulation convinces me to seek the only relief that it thinks “works” and to once again…. use.

After years of this behaviour what happens is that it no longer “works”. The levels and methods of drugs increase and still…. eventually no matter how much I do or how long I stay high…..it doesn’t do what it did. I can’t find freedom from my self. Not only that…it’s now combined with all the shit that I created as a result of the addiction and lifestyle. All the shame and guilt is 10 fold. I am facing the REALITY….the FACTS as they are, not as my sick mind saw them…but really as they ARE. Huge. Terrifying.

To those of you who cannot fathom this type of thought process….don’t think for a second that I may be seeking sympathy or, worse, empathy, rather I am only putting words to the great confusion and chaos that is in my mind.

It’s as though I missed that class in grade school that you all seemed to go to. I don’t “get” a lot of the simple day to day stuff that people do. It is foreign to me, like speaking Mandarin or something. Yet, my huge ego….that part of self that says….I’m a trooper, I’m a soldier…..I’ve survived street life, rape, being strangled, escaping death by seconds….blah blah, yet, going to the park with my daughter or making a doctors appt. is flipping overwhelming. Never mind trying to have a relationship…..(which I’ve recently failed miserably at, yet feel I so desperately want, need, will cushion this all)….whatever.

Recently I have become more aware that if changes aren’t made with my life then all this will mean nothing because I’ll just give up and go back to the familiar madness. Yet, I’m so confused because I don’t have the “tools” to fix the damn problem even though it has to come from myself. I have to have that willingness….I have to be willing to sit in the pain and unfamiliar panic and at times it’s too much.

It’s all too much. Trying to cope with being clean, a day, an hour at a time is overwhelming….then on top of that….do all this other stuff that people expect me to do, and behave in ways I am clearly incapable of at this point……to deal with the film, the rape trial I have coming up next month, my father dying, the family dysfunction, the feelings of uselessness that I have, the fear of being sober, the fear of staying high…..the fear of success, the fear of failure. The fear of being alone, the fear of commitment…

I just want to run away. I want to be somewhere that I am safe to feel all this. I want to go to treatment…long term.

I need to.

Feb-16-2006 - Fucking Blogs

I guess the purpose of a blog is to maintain some sort of schedule, however random, and it is exactly this type of “order” that I still resist. I will say though that I am definitely not a huge fan of this. The Blogging that is.

As I figure, knowing that this will be read by others, I feel somewhat invaded. How crazy is that considering that the film clearly exposes parts of myself that I am uncomfortable with, this feels naked on some other level. Perhaps sobriety and lack of “armour” has something to do with it?

Besides, unlike a journal, where one can be more of a rambling idiot and “vent”, here I am more aware of my thought process. I have to be careful that I’m not trying to “impress” and, well, just type.

Hard.

I can’t believe that it’s the middle of February already. It’s amazing how a single day can seem so long yet weeks, months and years have flown by.

When I “allow” my mind to reflect on my life I am amazed. Almost in an arrogant kind of way. Not arrogant, maybe a better way of describing it would be like a soldier who despite his time in hell, emerges with a proud sense of glory.

I think other addicts would agree.

What else can I say…I’m glad to be out of the chaos of full time addiction and street life and even though sobriety is really hard, to quote a great book some of you may know, I’ll keep on “trudging the road to happy destiny.”

Lisa

Jan-31-2006 - It starts here

We did the B.S.S. screening this morning, and, like St. Clements, it was a success.

Never would I have imagined that day in the hotel room that my self-indulgent unmerciful disease would be remotely resourceful to ANYBODY, let alone these amazing young women.

The few that spoke to me, some in tears, confessing their own fears of self and loved ones, makes all the years I’ve spent in desperate isolation somehow, on some level, worthwhile.

I’ve spent most of my life feeling not only inadequate but also full of shame and guilt. By challenging my fears and exposing my secret life of addiction with them I can truthfully say that this also helps me to feel that I, too, “count”.

So, thank-you B.S.S., thank-you, St. Clements, both staff and students…and, most importantly, thank-you to my family, Paul, Nicol, Tom, Drew, Paul J, Angus and EVERYBODY that supports this message of hope, love and open honest communication.

God Bless.

Lisa